My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[eulogy]
line?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!