Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

i want the dreams to chase me for once

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?