My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
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Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
My love language is deader than Latin
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.