My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
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“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
No Google it does not
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?