Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

repaired

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do