Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

BRAKING NEWS!!

😉😝

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

I have a new favorite meme page

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge