My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.