My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I just want an internship man
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.