My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
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Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Room with a view.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.