My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
You Might Also Like
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.