My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
![]()
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
![]()
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back