Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

She was REALLY feeling it.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off