Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1636601125205065728/pu/vid/352x640/9QP0NOeEbMBbuYUx.mp4?tag=12

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

i made a craigslist ad !

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.