Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

can’t catch a break

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is