Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

Only you can prevent podcasts

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.