Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

This story is comedy gold 😂

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

Do one person every day that scares you.