Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s fair

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome