Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

What’s so funny?

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)