My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
You Might Also Like
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.