The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
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[pilot announces crash landing]
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, “Who?”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My daughters weren’t paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.