@seamusmckracken

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

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@junejuly12

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

@imdumbledaddy

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

@IchBin_Rob

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

@jonnysun

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

@BoomBoomBetty

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

@JeremyBRoberts

Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, “Who?”

@Laser_Cat

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

@Vodkantots

My daughters weren’t paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.