My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
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Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
LA today:
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..