My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
You Might Also Like
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?