My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”