My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend