Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.