Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back