Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

DOOO EEEET