Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.