My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
You Might Also Like
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN