My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I am, perchance
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too