my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
When they try to steal your moment.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing