my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Matthew was born for this.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.