my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew