Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family