My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
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Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”