My age is news to me every single time I remember
You Might Also Like
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Yep.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods