My age is news to me every single time I remember
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Mike is short for Micycle
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Google Pay be like:
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.