My age is news to me every single time I remember
You Might Also Like
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving