Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beauty and the Beast

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.