My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
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I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it