My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
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Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.