My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
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If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Free him
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time