Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord