Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

These work great until they don’t.

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal