I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.