Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.