Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

old twitter is back baby

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.