Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom