My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?