My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”