My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.