My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
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There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
This is so wrong 😂
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged