My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
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Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Never let them know your next move 😂
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
mom gave me mine for free
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot