My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
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If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL