My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
You Might Also Like
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers