My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

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When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.


Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.


friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct


Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.


It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.


Being a parent involves saying “this is NOT a democracy” a lot more than I thought it would


I want to follow you back, really, I do.

But the hash tags.
My god the hash tags.


“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.


When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”