@mommajessiec

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

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@Love_bug1016

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

@Rlpihl

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

@Browtweaten

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

@OneFunnyMummy

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

@Wine_honey1

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

@sweetmomissa

Being a parent involves saying “this is NOT a democracy” a lot more than I thought it would

@ifuseekamynow

I want to follow you back, really, I do.

But the hash tags.
My god the hash tags.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

@SarcasticAlly12

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”