Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

There are no pants in heaven.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”