Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”