My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
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captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order