Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

What an awful time to have common sense.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360