My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
The old gods are rising again.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal