[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
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I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“Sheer Arrogance”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”