my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
