my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
