my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
