Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.