my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
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ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit