my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
rise and shine we got egg
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.