My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
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a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice