My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
You Might Also Like
And now we wait
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I identify as an antique shop.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
New mindset, who dis?
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.