My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
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“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.