My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
the three genders
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.