My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
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[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Thursday Thought.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.