My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questionsI’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this