My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
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me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
is it too early for christmas memes
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene