Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.