My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Damn what did I do next
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch