My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
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I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
We’re all getting idioter.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
next question.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go