My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
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In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
S M O L
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.